Woe Is Me!!..

I think it's difficult for people to understand what my "Woe is me" mood is exactly. They all say, "but you can serve God without a boyfriend", and "God provides all we need". I know that so well. I do admit that sometimes I don't put all my trust on God, and there is almost doubt in my mind, but never anything that would 'logically' make me feel the way I do.

I feel alone, even though God gives me friends and family that love me
I feel cold, even though God holds me in an embrace so warm and comforting
I feel desperate and rushed, even though God's timing is the best
I feel worthless, even though God himself has paid the price for me
I feel useless, hopeless and helpless, even though God uses me for his own plan to further his kingdom... and I know it's not up to me.

There is a conflict between emotions and logic, and emotion always wins. It's the same in all of us. We try to justify actions or feelings with logic. For example;

"Why did I yell at my husband just now? All he wanted was for me to sit down for a moment and rest from housework. It must be that I'm tired. He askes now? He never helps out! There is still too much to do"

This is what logic may lead this woman to think of the situation. In realitly it may be this;

There is nearly no housework left to be done, and her husband truely does want her to rest for a moment.
The reasons behind it could be, for example;

"My mother used to yell at me when I wasn't working. It was a shamefull thing to have fun!"

The emotion, despite her logic of "I shouldn't yell at my husband over something like this", gets the better of her. She feels shame, hopelessness and fear, which are quickly covered by one of the easiest things to control... Anger. Yes you heard me. Anger is being in control. We avoid our real emotion with a cover we can use and control. i'm not saying anger doesn't get out of control. It does, but thats the action. I'm talking of emotion.

You can see now what I mean by my emotion gets the better of me. I know the reality. I trust God!! But the feeling of I'm worthless and no-one loves me is still there, brooding and fluctuating... out of control.
Feeling sad, as I do for "no particular reason" at the moment, is another control feeling. Anger and sadness are two of the biggest cover emotions.
When I say "no particular reason", I dont mean for no reson. Like I was saying before, this is an inappropriate reaction to the situation. I know somewhere in my emotional memories there has got to be a reason for my feelings or worthlessness, helplessness, and lonelyness. Something that is triggered by a similar situation to the origional. So just like the woman, where a similar experience to the childhood version popped up... My "wanting" a BF situation must have a childhood equivellant. (I'm not sure if this is making any sense)


Anyway, whether it makes sense or not, I have been having difficulties with this and my lack of motivation when it comes to doing...well, just about anything. Both are not normal, and both are inappropriate. Could people please pray that God may help me find the hidden emotions behind the cover behaviors of feeling sad and procrastinating. Also pray that I may work around them, especially the motivation/procrastination one as exams are nearly here.

You are all so encouraging to me and I thank God for your friendship.
CU Soon!

P.S. All of this info. was from a book called "Self Therapy" by Muriel Schiffman... It's a really good book. It helps you to discover and tame self defeating behaviours. If you have any questions about the book, I'll bring it into uni/church/wherever... though it is my dad's, and he is reading it at the same time as me.

P.P.S. I really can't be bothered going through the whole thing and fixing spelling mistakes. So, yeah...